The Water Cooler

Oh Britney. *shakes head*

Really Britney? REALLY? First of all: The girl hangs out at the gas station more than anyone I've ever met in my entire life. Second of all, I'd really like to take that pink wig and burn it. The smell of melting plastic would bring me endless joy.

 

Mischa Turns to Jesus. After all, he does turn water into wine.

I know whenever I screw up, I had straight to the bar church. Which is exactly where Mischa Barton headed yesterday in a ridiculously obvious attempt to seem repentant about her recent DUI, during which she was pulled over after driving recklessly and found to be in possession of The Pot and a controlled substance (oooooohhhhh... details please!). This is lame and all, but what's really lame is that she also didn't have a valid license. I totally don't get these starlets driving around without driver's licenses. I mean, they really DO give those out to just about anyone these days.

Anyway... I applaud Mischa's amazing photo op. Pale pastels. An innocent girlie dress. And that gaze downward with slight frown, that says both, "I'm ashamed, but also beautiful and innocent. And hey. I dig Jesus." I bet she only had to practice it for five minutes in the mirror to perfect it.

Jaime Lynn Spears: "I'm Pregnant."

Apparently the answer to my previous post is: NO, celebrities are not aware of birth control. Although, to be fair, Jaime Lynn Spears is only 16 (read: Stupid & Young). And now she's 16 and knocked up. Damn those Spears girls are fertile!

Britney's little sister is 12 weeks pregnant with the child of her boyfriend, Casey Aldridge. Oh, and in case you couldn't figure this one out by now: She's KEEPING THE BABY.

Sigh...

The other funny part of this story? Apparently Britney found out the same way the rest of us did - from the exclusive story that Jaime Lynn and her mother sold to OK Magazine. And she's been swearing up and down to the paparazzi that it's totally not true. Maybe she's just a little jealous that someone else is in the spotlight for completely ridiculous behavior?

Jessica Alba Cashes In on a Baby

Is it just me or does it seem like the new cool-kids thing to do in Hollywood is get knocked up by the boyfriend du jour?

On again-off-again-on again-who can even keep track anymore? Jessica Alba and Cash Warren are expecting.

I guess I should say Congratulations.

And also: Has NO ONE in Hollywood heard of birth control?

The burning question in every dude's mind, of course, is: And what will this do to her hot body? Somehow I don't think stretch marks and deflated boobs are exactly what the men of the world like to fantasize about. I'm just sayin...

Enjoy her while you can:

 

People are wondering if David Beckham stuffed his underwear for the new Emporio Armani print ads... And I'm wondering why we care? Stuffed or not-stuffed, the dude is hot. Plus, who amongst us hasn't worn a padded bra before?

That's what I thought.

You're welcome.

Tom & Katie's Holiday Card

US Weekly posted the "exclusive first pic" of Tom Cruise and Katie Holme's Christmas card for 2007. And can I just say, um, WHO CARES? They also report that she - OMG - designed it herself. Wow. I'm sure. Oh, and also: WHO CARES?

Here's what I do care about: The fact that she signed her name Kate. Every time I hear Tom Cruise refer to his Stepford Wife as "Kate," I sort of want to throw water in his face. Because I was actually a huge Katie Holmes fan back in the day. I mean, I watched EVERY episode of Dawson's Creek. And when Joey ended up with Pacey, I felt as though all was right with the world and I could finally sleep at night and put the bottle of pills and Jack Daniels back under the mattress. So when Tom calls her Kate, it bugs me. A lot. But what bugs me even more is that she has submitted to his preference of the more grown-up Kate... It's just more than I can handle. And don't even get me started on the fact that she has also started dressing like a 50-year-old. Sigh... I miss Joey. Also: Katie.

Back to the Jack and pills it is.